I don't often talk about my personal life on my blog, but I was chatting with someone the other day about friendships. We were standing the garden drinking tea and I mentioned that
I had recently consciously ditched a friend. “You are brave,” she said, “I have a someone I’d love to
dump!”
My now ex friend who moved to the area a
couple of years ago and I was happy to be helpful. I was always being called to help with local knowledge and information and I felt she needed a good friend especially as she was new to the area and her family lived a long was away. She was fun and stylish and pretty but during a
significant amount of the time we have been friends she spent a great deal of
time stressed up to her eyeballs and close to tears ... mainly of anger and
frustration due to that fact that her work life balance was totally out.
She was running her own business and I’d feel as though I was
walking on eggshells, especially in the school playground where some days she’d look out
of her mind with stress. I don’t really do high stress,
and I think of myself as being unflappable so to me tears and slight
hysteria mean that something is really serious. Other mums would roll their
eyes and smile weakly at her, but for me if friend has had a crisis I do the
best I can to help. I cleaned her
house last year from top to bottom - yes even the loos when because when she moved house as
she was absolutely beside herself that the property she was moving into wasn’t completely clean . I am sure you get the picture, but it wasn’t all one-way, as a friendship she has a good ear when I had problems
of my own and looked after my kids when I was away and when she wasn’t crazy
stressed she was really very lovely.
However we had quite a misunderstanding
some months ago. The short version
is that I interpreted her usual hysterical manner to be another crisis. I suppose looking back I should have
realised that her way of expressing herself is almost always incredibly intense
and very emotional. She’s very
highly strung. I misinterpreted
her words and her manner to mean she needed help with a situation. I called a favour in from someone for
practical help. To my surprise my kindness was thrown back in my face with such unpleasantness and rudeness that I
have been in state of shock ever since.
It’s been a couple of months now since we
have spoken and yes I am quite possibly to blame for misinterpreting her usual general
slightly hysterical manner to mean she was in distress. I should have been used to her ways. However
after stepping back to think about our friendship I decided not to make amends.
What, after all have I done other than offer the same kindness and practical help she'd accepted on other occasions?
I suppose that I could have made and effort to make amends for offering help that was just not required *but without going into the details of the conversation we had I made it clear that I was not going to be friends again on her approach to me the next day. It was't an easy decision because she’s fun some of the time,
lives close by, has children the same age and I admired many things about her, however
I have decided not to mend the relationship.
It’s not that I don’t like her. I do. However when I asked myself what I was getting out of our
friendship and it wasn’t much. I
seem to be like Thomas the tank engine who prided himself in being very
useful. I am a very useful
friend and yes I do feel hurt by her total lack of value for my friendship. However whist I was sipping tea in the garden the lady I was chatting with asked me if I was going to try and salvage the relationship. My
response was that I was not. I
have made a conscious decision that on balance this person is actually total
pain the arse and on balance I have better things to do.
I suppose I do feel that I should have realised a while ago that she didn't want me to practically help her and not wasted so much time. I feel a bit stupid for
being used when she did want help though, but if I have learnt a lesson from this, it is perhaps that when
someone is having a crisis that it doesn’t actually mean that they want my
help. I shall certinly be much more reserved if anyone else calls me in distress!
Oh and the other thing I now know is that highly
stressed friends are just exhausting.
Ditch them.
* added sentence post publication
* added sentence post publication
I find it very hard to let go of friendships. It's not too hard for someone to find a place in my heart, but much harder for them to push me hard enough that I throw them back out again.
ReplyDeleteBut last year I made a conscious decision to close a friendship down, and wrote to let the person know. In my case, I had cancelled two of our arranged meetups (not in a row, incidentally) because of illness. Genuinely was ill, of course. And then I made a mistake in thinking the next meet up was a lunch date when he'd intended it to be evening. Mostly we'd met in the evenings, but our very previous meet-up had been over lunch as he'd taken on flexible working hours. I won't go into the message I got back from him when I apologised for the mix-up but said I wasn't available that evening, but could do a different date, I won't write about here. But I did write back explaining that I was giving up on our friendship, because I was not willing to be lambasted for being who I am (which includes occasional genuine mix-ups and also some poor health on occasion). I didn't hear back. I feel bad only because I know I was one of only 2 long term friends he had, and no family, but it was the right decision.
And you know we talked on the phone about the behaviour of another friend who surprised us both.
It's good to be a good friend, and I do my best too, though not so good at offering practical help, I'm a very good ear.
But sometimes we have to accept a friendship is all one way, or worse still, that it's just toxic, and cut it out of our life.
it is hard Kavey to make that decision. I am a very very forgiving person and as you know we can all get in a muddle and make mistakes. ( Especially me) but in the end I suppose we have to protect ourselves for when kindnesses are treated with contempt then it is best to let the person go for our own sakes.
ReplyDeleteI think that there are many people who have had to make the same difficult decision.
x
I've dumped and been dumped. Being dumped (albeit they didn't actually have the courage to tell me why and ignored letters asking) was one of the most painful things I've experienced - more so the not knowing why. It took me about 5 years to get over it and damaged my relationship with my now-ex (all the worrying). I see now that I don't miss them, but I wouldn't underestimate the blow to my self-esteem.
ReplyDeletePeople drift apart of course but these were friendships that had been forged over 20 years. I think it's hard to always be there to support someone - I know I'm not very good at it myself, and I'm conscious that I am currently one of those people who my friends probably find exhausting.
The sad thing is, we never really know what is going on in someone's life and it's all to easy to have misunderstandings.
I suspect you will feel sad for a while but ultimately you have to be happy with your decision. Maybe with the passage of time and once the anger has subsided, who knows, you may feel differently?
Maybe! Maybe not. :-)
DeleteI remember you talking about this on twitter. You definitely did the right thing. It's ringing a lot of bells for me too. Recently i ditched a friend too. At the time it felt like she ditched me -she invited me to her flat, then sprung another unexpected guest (actually a total stranger to me and to her) on me who proceeded to insult me quite gravely, then instead of leaping to my defence let me leave (after saying my piece but no more, i was a guest after all).
ReplyDeleteTwo days later she contacted me to apologise but told me she would be continuing her association with thus repulsive person. I felt like my friendship had been utterly and irrevocably rejected.
This is someone i had also done a lot for thorough the endless crises in her life - yes including cleaning her flat! And she wasn't shy in asking for practical help with these things although she had ample time to do it herself.
We're better off without people like that in our lives!
I agree. Really a friend would shave said something.
DeleteGina, yes from the other side, I had someone suddenly start throwing our friendship in my face. Was devastated, as we were very very close (going on hols together and visiting all the time) and there hadn't been anything to prompt it. In the end I mourned it, got over it eventually and hardened my heart. We saw each other a lot because of being in same group of friends, but obviously no longer saw each other outside of that. Oddly enough, she did apologise a couple of years later and I accepted that, and we were friends again, but once you break someone's heart that effectively, there's no going back. Some years later still, weirdly, she started making approaches to take it back to what it had been, suggesting wistfully that we should do another trip to so and so together again. I have not taken that any further.
ReplyDeleteI remember you talking about this on twitter. You definitely did the right thing. It's ringing a lot of bells for me too. Recently i ditched a friend too. At the time it felt like she ditched me -she invited me to her flat, then sprung another unexpected guest (actually a total stranger to me and to her) on me who proceeded to insult me quite gravely, then instead of leaping to my defence let me leave (after saying my piece but no more, i was a guest after all).
ReplyDeleteTwo days later she contacted me to apologise but told me she would be continuing her association with thus repulsive person. I felt like my friendship had been utterly and irrevocably rejected.
This is someone i had also done a lot for thorough the endless crises in her life - yes including cleaning her flat! And she wasn't shy in asking for practical help with these things although she had ample time to do it herself.
We're better off without people like that in our lives!
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ReplyDeleteOh this post seems to have hit a note with a few people. I was quite nervous about posting something that is effectively very personal .. but I feel so much better as I realise I am not the only person feeling these things.
ReplyDeleteI've grown apart from friends and also had to end friendships due to effort and support not being reciprocated. Some people are really needy, emotive and stress magnets by nature which can be very draining for their friends if they do not reciprocate the support which you give them in their many hours of need. Misundertandings happen and friends can usually work them out should the relationship be a solid one. Surround yourself with true friends who radiate good qualities of friendship back to you and aren't selfish hoovers of your time, strength and kindness.
ReplyDeleteFab advice Michelle. Really life is just too short to be wasting it on people who are not that nice.
DeleteReally interesting Vanessa, I'm having a similar dilemma with a time friend and it's time I drew a line under the friendship. I really admire your courage and openness on this one.
ReplyDeleteRachel
I've been hurt badly by a 'friend'. The mistake she made was to have two different text messaging conversations going and carelessly sending me the message she was sending about me to another mutual friend. It ruined the friendship with her and her husband as well as the other, mutual friend, couple who we very close to & had previously enjoyed holidays with. I never hold a grudge but truly cannot forgive this even after so many years have passed.
ReplyDeleteI understand hue difficult this must be for you x
Nothing worse than finding out someone is two faced. Very hurtful
DeleteI feel for you Vanessa as it sounds like a difficult situation. But you should feel very proud of yourself for working through it, coming to a decision and sticking to it. I have been studying a counselling course for the last two years and one of the biggest lessons I have learnt is that when people are upset you actually need to say very little, just being a listening ear is a great gift. This has surprised me greatly, but has helped me with many of my current relationships. Xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks Fleur. I do always feel the need to do something if someone is in need. Ironically the person who I am I have written about here I was really very fond of, despite her being really high maintenance. perhaps if I had just listened rather than trying to practically help we'd still be friendly .. Its good advice.
DeleteVanessa, I can imagine this was hard to write. I have a friend that I would say I have chosen not to be in contact with. We lost our fathers about 6 months apart, and although I know people grieve in different ways, having moved to a good place over my dad's death, I was not well placed (ok, very tolerant) of her continuing to be overwhelmed after 9 months. I had to just send a note in the end to say I hoped she managed to find some peace. I haven't heard from her since, and I have to be honest, I'm not totally sad about it. Definitely counted as a high maintenance friend, and it's less exhausting not to be involved.
ReplyDeleteI also don't subscribe to the friends for life, or the old friends are the only kind of best friends. I don't make many choices today that are the same as the ones I made as a 7 year old, so I don't see why friends should be any different. I have higher quality friendships with people I've known for the last decade than I would say my husband has with his "lifelong" friends. But, each to their own. Friendships, like all relationships, should be strong enough to evolve. Or if they can't, then perhaps they were only right for that point in time.
Vanessa, I think you did the right thing, I must admit that in the past I have had two such friends that I am no longer in contact with, both very needy which is ok in certain life situations but gets so tiresome after years of always looking after them.
ReplyDeleteI have also been on the other side of this situation, when I had had my first baby I found a local girl in the same position, we had so much in common, yet she shunned me after about a year and I was devastated, I can't believe how much it hurt and I still wonder why as I'm not a needy sort of person myself.
I am older and wiser now and much more relaxed about friendships, I won't be a push over and don't get as upset if friendships come and go.
I befriended someone at a play group a few years back and she was more or less the same as you ex-friend.I was there for her time and time again but when me and my husband separated she wasn't around all.She moved to another part of the playground, she stopped calling me round for coffee and chats and she deleted me from Facebook (the last being trivial I know).In the time we had known each other I had been there for her worst and saddest times but she couldn't even be there for me when I need her most.It took me awhile to realise it was her and not me.
ReplyDeleteI think it's really hard when someone turns out to be flaky. But better to know that you are the better person in the end.
DeleteHaving moved a few years ago, I had got friendly with a neighbour, with a young baby and three year old. Always over doing chores and then having her children over to play with my older two. Just overheard her one day blaming my children for breaking equipment of hers. I never allowed my children over to hers as bringing up a baby is exhausting in itself.
ReplyDeleteI was totally overwhelmed in disbelief. Approached and she lied it wasn't us she was talking about. I chose then to break the relationship, as trust, truth and lack of respect for the help I gave, shown my energies to be put to use elsewhere.
I have been told I'm a natural carer, the same as you, but you have to believe in yourself and realise how negativity really does jolt you.
This is always a difficult situation, Vanessa, and as an 'oldie' I can certainly say that in my life I have met several so called 'friends' that have screwed my life up in one way or another. It is very difficult to take a step sideways, and the experience will leave a memory scar, but your life, your family, your remaining friends will all benefit from a wiser, sunnier you. x
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post. It is something that I would have loved to have discussed on my blog with how friends treat others. Thank you for such a open and honest post. I hope your other friends around are true friends. x
ReplyDeleteIn my experience relationships in whatever guise can be difficult at times. I know I've lost many friends over the years and some of the losses have been painful. But I've also gained some really good friends too. Please don't let this episode stop you from being your good open hearted generous self. Just because one person rejected your offer of help does not mean that others would do the same. Ultimately, it's you wanting to help that matters.
ReplyDeletethank you. x
DeleteWhat a beautiful, honest post. These situations can always be unsettling with many questions asked and unanswered, but it sounds like you did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you need time and possibly find a new footing with this friend or maybe stepping away was the absolutely best thing to do. But at the end of the day your happiness and sanity is what counts and if things have changed for the better then it was - most definitely - the right thing to do.
Nina x
Thanks Nina.
ReplyDeleteKeep reading this as I have a 'high-maintenance' friend that I'm not sure I can be friends with any more. I love her with all my heart and it makes me incredibly sad to think about not being friends with her. However everything is always about her, she's extremely selfish and childish and I find myself being on edge when with her or talking to her because I don't know how she'll react to situations. It's exhausting! But as I say, I love her, I'm not sure I'm ready to let go just yet but I'm going to start protecting and standing up for myself more.
ReplyDelete